A few years ago I became a Christian. Per the "Angie Way," I dove deep, breathing in as much of Christianity as I could. I ended up going to Cursillo which is a retreat all about the Holy Spirit. The experience was fantastic, but the food left a lot to be desired.
So, I volunteered to run the kitchen the next year - to make the food better! Unbeknownst to me, God was testing me. During my three days in the kitchen, helping create amazing food, I felt a level of resentment build that I had never consciously experienced before. I mean the food was terrific, healthier, but something was missing if I was experiencing this much resentment. Per usual at that time in my life, I stuffed it down, played the martyr and became the helpless victim. In my heart I refused to accept the participants gratitude knowing I only felt resentment toward everyone.
Last night I held a birthday dinner for my Mother – the group consisted of 10 people. The woman, my Mom considers to be her best friend and whom I have known most of my life for some reason rubbed me the wrong way. I was experiencing resentment toward her! She and her husband have both helped me tremendously in my former winery; I had never has a problem with her before. So why now? That damn resentment disease back again. Enough already.
During church today, I prayed God would give me the answer. Clear as day - humility. Holy crow, I have always made things happen through my willpower alone and just scratched the surface of each experience - always feeling unsatisfied, like there was so much more alluding me each step of the way.. It was such an ah ha moment. All this time, I thought being charitable was enough. Had I gone one step further an prayed to God to help me understand my resentment, I would have understood. Love, humility and compassion with just a sprinkle of willpower is far more satisfying than using willpower alone.
Thank you God, for the beautiful epiphany. For improving me as a human being today.