Clarity Around Humility

A few years ago I became a Christian.  Per the "Angie Way," I dove deep, breathing in as much of Christianity as I could.  I ended up going to Cursillo which is a retreat all about the Holy Spirit. The experience was fantastic, but the food left a lot to be desired.

So, I volunteered to run the kitchen the next year - to make the food better! Unbeknownst to me, God was testing me.   During my three days in the kitchen, helping create amazing food, I felt a level of resentment build that I had never consciously experienced before.  I mean the food was terrific, healthier, but something was missing if I was experiencing this much resentment.  Per usual at that time in my life, I stuffed it down, played the martyr and became the helpless victim. In my heart I refused to accept the participants gratitude knowing I only felt resentment toward everyone.   

Last night I held a birthday dinner for my Mother – the group consisted of 10 people.  The woman, my Mom considers to be her best friend and whom I have known most of my life for some reason rubbed me the wrong way. I was experiencing resentment toward her!  She and her husband have both helped me tremendously in my former winery; I had never has a problem with her before.  So why now?  That damn resentment disease back again.  Enough already.

During church today, I prayed God would give me the answer.  Clear as day - humility.  Holy crow, I have always made things happen through my willpower alone and just scratched the surface of each experience - always feeling unsatisfied, like there was so much more alluding me each step of the way..  It was such an ah ha moment.  All this time, I thought being charitable was enough. Had I gone one step further an prayed to God to help me understand my resentment, I would have understood.  Love, humility and compassion with just a sprinkle of willpower is far more satisfying than using willpower alone.

Thank you God, for the beautiful epiphany. For improving me as a human being today.